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Reign Of The Dragonrider

Prelude
A young Elvin lady dressed in dark leather armor and a black cape that covered her identity walks up to the land of the thieves, a trip that she had made thousands of times before but she still didn't trust the thieves, after all they were thieves and they held to no standard but their own cruel ways. Every man for himself some would say. She walked up to Knifetune, the thieves guild, getting nasty looks from all the watching eyes and opened the doors ducking as four daggers came flying though the door. Managing to catch the fifth as it swore just inches from her noise.
"Ah I see that your reflexes are as sharp as ever," Said a cold voice from within the back of the guild. "Few thieves have ever been able to block little own catch my dagger. Speak Elf, what does an Elf journey into our lands for?"
"I have a mission that only the most skilled of thieves can accomplish." The Elvin Lady responds. "I hear you have such a thief named Thera. I wish to employ her with your permission of course."
"This must be a pretty important mission to need one such as Thera the Outcast for." The Thief says in response. "She is a highly skilled one that she is, and I can only use her for missions that no other thief is capable of doing other wise she refuses to come."
"That is understandable great thief. And I trust that no other thief would be able to get though to the Tower Of Gladalena."
Gasps filled the air at the sound of such a name for all knew that The Tower Of Gladalena was the tower of the Dragon Mages and though many had tried none had ever came back to tell of their tale.
"You have my attention." The Guild Master says. "What is the mission that you wish for her to accomplish?"
"There is a book that can bring peace to all the land but it also destroys all goodly races, I want that book and I also have an edge on a High Priestess that lives there I want Thera to kill her and bring me her head. There will be a great reward for both you and her if she succeeds."
"We also have a grudge against the high priestess for she has executed many of our brothers and a book with such power is the final word. We will give you Thera." The Guild Master says with the flames of awe in his eyes.
"Thank you Great Thief." The Elvin Lady Says and heads back out the way she came.

































Chapter One
The Initiation



The cold, wet, grey stone walls seemed to go on forever as a female dark elf named Thera, whose skin was so pale and yet was so as dark as the darkest night that you could ever imagine, so fare and yet not at all gentle. She had the body of a well built warrior to the point that she wasn't scrawny not by a long shot but not so muscular that she looked unnatural. In fact her body looked so natural that if you were to look at her body and compare it to a young woman in the human race she would probably be classified as a "Real Babe." Thera started to climb, her skillfully, tight feet slipping ever so often. Her goal was just on the other side of the wall. The dark elf was after the most important thing in all of Darther, a Book that many had died trying to get, so well guarded that only well trained rouges could ever attempt to steal it. For with this book all the wars and all the chaos that had entered into this god forsaken land in this dark time would be over. Thera wondered why the mages hadn't used it before. I mean after all the world would be a better place if they did… She thought. But then again I would be out a job if there was no chaos.
The dark elf was starting to see what looked like an edge just over the next horizon. But she had to be careful for there where many traps that could be set off in such a high secured place as this was. Thera tried to remember where all the traps were but she wasn't even sure where she was little own the traps. She decided that she better avoid it just in case. She continued to climb nearly missing the wire attached to a bucket of boiling tar next to were her hands had been just minutes before…
"This better be worth what they say is in the guild." She muttered to herself, as she lightly taps the trap of boiling tar. She could see the flame of one of the torches now and she knew that there were at least twenty guards up there just sitting and waiting. Waiting for someone like her to throw her grappling hook over and then to have them shoot arrows at their target as soon as they got close enough to shoot, and that didn't even count in the least bit on what was in store for her when she reached the tower where the book was stored.
Breathing heavily as she pulled herself over the edge and looked around. She couldn't see any guards but then again she couldn't see much of anything. She closed her eyes and listened. She could hear the faint whistling of the wind as it went through her hair. She could hear the ruffling of the flames on the torches. Then all her attention went to the noise of someone very small and very heavy and very large in stature by the sound of it coming up from behind her. She without even thinking pulled out her two daggers hidden in her lower sleeves and threw them as hard, and as fast as she could.
"Ow" said a tiny, round looking man with a rough looking face that had many scares all over it, including one over his eye that almost made it look as if it was scared shut. When Thera normally saw the little Halfling he had that eye covered but for some reason he didn't have it covered now. Standing with two daggers in him, One sticking out his left shoulder and it looked as if he couldn't move his shoulder around because the dagger had hit the ball joint in his shoulder and the other sticking all the way though his right hand there was no way that if he had been a guard that he would have been able to attack.. "Take it easy there Thera."
"Sorry, Gerlon, you caught me by surprise. I thought you were a guard." Thera replied. "What are you doing here? "
Pulling the daggers out of his shoulder, Gerlon walks over to Thera. "And you did a pretty damn good job at making sure that I wouldn't attack you if I was a guard too. " He grunted as he pulled other dagger out of his hand. "The Guild says it needs a witness to verify that you actually killed the High priestess and recovered the book."
"Oh it does, does it?" Thera says with a bit of a huff. To believe that the guild didn't trust her word was a bit of an insult. "Does that mean you are ready to take on the high priestess with me?"
Gerlon shuffled his feet a little bit before replying for he could hear the tone in her voice even though she had tried very hard to cover it. "They said that I was only supposed to verify that you killed the high priestess, but if you get into too much trouble I will help out. And As for the fact that the guild asked me to witness it's just for safety procession. I'm sure the guild trusts you just as much as it trusts me.
Those words didn't seem to help Thera any better then being told that the guild didn't trust her so they sent a watch dog to make sure that she did the job right. Thera didn't need the responsibility of someone else on her mind. Little own the fact that the watch dog was Gerlon a thief that was well known to be slow and a back stabber if situations got to sticky. He was also known to be able to talk his way out of almost anything. And this Initiation was sure to be getting sticky expressly since now that Gerlon couldn't fight due to the fact that she had injured both of his fighting arms. But in some ways Thera thought it would be nice to have two more pairs of eyes on her that would at least warn her of a sticky situation when she ever got into one. She just hoped that the guild would have picked a better companion though. One that could have caught those daggers in mid-air as she could have done if it had of been her.
Thera sighed again this time with a little more enthusiasm then before.
Gerlon put his hand on top of Thera's shoulder; she could feel his hand tremble from the pain as he lifted it up. He gently patted her again saying "Thera it's going to be ok. If you're worried that I don't have your back I do. You're a good friend and I never turn my back on a good friend."
These words seemed to comfort Thera. She patted his uninjured shoulder, "Thank you." Thera said as she pulled out a red handkerchief. "But I think that I injured you far more then you can fight with."
Gerlon shrugged took the handkerchief and started to carefully wrap it around his injured hand.
"This is nothing but a mere flesh wound." He said as continued as he wrapped his wounded hand.
But Thera could almost hear the pain in his voice as Gerlon said that, he was a tough little rouge when he wanted to be. Thera decided that she better not push it instead she said "So where do you think we need to go?"
"I don't know but where ever it is we need to do it quick." Gerlon said as he finished trying the handkerchief into a knot with his teeth so the last few words were muffled. "I can here footsteps off in the distance and they might be here any minute now."
But Thera for a long time didn't hear the last part of what Gerlon said and not because he muffled his words she couldn't understand anyways. There was something unusual out there that seemed to have caught her eye. She couldn't figure what it was when a hand grabbed her and made her jump at least ten feet in the air.
"Thera did you hear me?" It was Gerlon who reached out trying to get Thera's attention.
"Sorry Gerlon, What was that?" Said Thera as her heart was still racing up to her throat. She swallowed hard to get her heart back where it belonged…
"The guards are getting close. We need to get out of here." Gerlon responded with a nervous look on his face.
Thera took her eyes off the object and started listening. Gerlon was right there was someone moving and they weren't very far away. She started moving to the nearest watch tower, When Gerlon spoke again. "What's up with you today, Thera? You seem to be off in some other world."
"What do you mean?"
"In days past you would have been moving long before I heard the guards coming and just a minute ago I had to tell you twice before you realized what I was saying."
He was right, normally Thera would be twelve steps ahead of anyone that she was partnered up with, after all she was well trained rouge, but just now she felt as if something was calling her. As if she needed to be one with something or someone. The truth was that Thera didn't feel as if she was on this world. Or at least she didn't feel as if she was still trying to steal the most prized procession in all of Darther. Her blood was tingling like as if the very water it was made of no longer contained the blood cells that it used to carry but instead was carrying pure energy, one that if you put your hand on a plasma ball and went to go touch someone else you could feel the energy flow through you and zap the other person type of energy and it was strong, so very strong to the point that Thera looked up to see if she was about to be struck by lightning. "I don't know, Gerlon, I just got a funny feeling about this."
"Well get over it we got a job to do."
"Right sorry," Thera tried to turn all her attention to her surroundings by hearing but there was so much to hear so much to still feel. That Thera couldn't pick out everything to listen to at once. She decided to keep her eyes sharp instead. "Stop!!!" she yelled.
"What no…" Gerlon was about to say but then he saw something small and shinny with a dark outline of a human or of some type of elf with wings caught out of the corner of his eye but it was very hard to see. It moved in the shadows, in fact Gerlon wasn't sure his eyes weren't playing tricks on him as they sometimes did after he had gotten drunk before every mission to lighten up the mood of such troublesome tasks. But Thera saw it too. He thought to himself still squinting at the spot where he thought he had seen the creature. He reached down for his waist when he noticed that his dagger wasn't in his belt as he had thought it was. Great it must have fallen out when I climbed up that damn wall. The object moved again but still very slowly and very hard to tell if it was really there or a figment of their imagination.
Thera closed her eyes again to listen. The object sounded like the wind but had a swift scratching noise as if there was a small twig moving along the wall ever so swiftly and yet that too was hard to hear but Thera was sure this time she had it.
Got ya, She thought to herself. She moved closer to the noise and was about to move in on it when the noise suddenly stopped all was silent and still there was no longer a small shiny object, no longer a dark outline of a human or an elf with wings there was nothing not even the orange-ish .red flame that had shown the walk way for a little ways it was once again very dark. And every now and then there was a cool and yet cold breeze that whipped across their faces.
"That was weird." she said to Gerlon.
"What was it?" Gerlon asks Thera
"I'm not quite sure but we better get out of here in case it comes back." Thera responds as a shiver as cold as a cold winter in the artic runs up and down her spine, causing Thera to feel very incomputable and very irritable at the same time.
"Right," Gerlon says feeling the same shiver run up and down his spine. "Hey Thera you wouldn't happen to have an extra blade on you would you?"
Thera looked at Gerlon with a puzzled look on her face "What happened to your dagger that you normally carry?"
"I think I lost it when I climbed up that bloody wall."
"That's impossible I saw you with it when I stabbed you." Thera says with a bit of a look of shook on her face, and a flicker of fear in her eyes.
"Well if you don't have it and I don't have it then where did it go?
This thought troubled Thera for she was pretty sure that she had seen the dagger on Gerlon when she realized that it was him. She tried to remember where she had last seen Gerlon's dagger. Was she sure that he had his dagger after he had climbed the wall. Thera thought hard before deciding that she had most definitely seen his dagger on him when he climbed over the wall it was placed very firmly in its sheath attached to his belt. This didn't comfort Thera any for this meant that they were right and that there was most defiantly something that was there. Which also meant that someone or something knew that they were there?
But why didn't it attack us as it disarmed Gerlon. And why did it so easy roam around in here. Thera thought as she turned to Gerlon.
"Who gave the guild the quest to have us steals this book and have me kill the high priestess?" Thera asks
Gerlon looked almost surprised and a bit puzzled at this question as if he had never really thought about this before.
Getting his emotions back in check, Gerlon replies "I don't know who she was. She came in with a hooded face and a long, thick black cape. Why?"
" Don't you find it a little odd that it was so easy for the both of us to get in here, and that there are no gauds to be found and this is supposed to be the most well guarded fortress said to be so impenetrable that many who have tried to do this quest have failed and died trying?"
"Now that you put it that way it does seem a bit odd." Gerlon says in a slightly higher pitched voice almost a squeal that was higher then usual.
"Keep quite; I suspect that this task is not going to be easy. Because I suspect that the high priestess already knows that we are here, we have walked into a trap. One that we should have seen earlier and now it is too late to try to fix the mistake that we made." Thera says as she throws Gerlon a dagger making sure that the blade didn't end up in his hand though now she regretted ever attacking the Halfling. "Make sure you don't lose that one, I prize my blades very much."
Gerlon gasped the dagger as hard as he could he wasn't going to let this one go. Not even if his live depended on it. For he knew what Thera would do if he lost one of her blades and the thought was not very welcoming. Thera moved into the shadows and continued to walk to a flight of stairs that lead down to main courtyard. We aren't very far from the tower now. Thera thought Then we will find out just how well prepared the high priestess is.
****










The sound of a twig scratching against a wall sounded throughout the silent hall as a dark shade wondered up to a tall young lady, in her mid to late thirties, wearing a beautifully elegant white gown of the highest white wizard to have ever been known in all of Darther.
"What did you find Darko?" the High Priestess asks.
The shade hands the high mage the dagger that he had snipped from the Halfling just minutes before. And whales on that the other thief was on it's way to kill her.
"Perfect my dear this plan is working out more and more to the way we planed it. I will make her wish that she never stepped into this place then when she thinks all is lost; I will ask her if she would like to learn the ways of the Dragon Wizards. Little does she know that this little inattention that the thieves' guild that I own gave, is really inattention for me the High Priestess of the Dragon Mages. Come Darko let us prepare for our welcome guest." The High Priestess tells the shade and turns to leave to where she had planted the mysterious book and seats down in a chair next to the book and waits.
****
Thera and Gerlon walks down the stairs into the main court yard where they find a few guards sleeping. Thera motions to Gerlon to be careful so they don't wake the guards.
She thinks all is well when she notices that Gerlon is not by her side.
"Damn." She curses and quickly turns to see Gerlon slowly try to snatch one of the guards purse.
"Gerlon NO..!!" She almost shoats but it was to late for one of the coins fell out of the tiny bag. The sound of the coin aroused the guards and now Thera and Gerlon were staring face to face with two highly trained Mage Guards.
The guards pull out their magical swords one that was as blue and presumed to have a flame of ice. The other with a sword that extended and racked across Gerlon's already wounded shoulder, causing Gerlon to scream in pain. Thera knew that she had to keep away from the Frost Blade but she had no idea how she was going to do that with the blade that extends chasing after her every couple of minutes. The snake like sword whipped out again this time at Thera who leaps into the air easily dodging the blade. She pulled out a dagger, not really aiming, and threw the dagger as hard as she could. The clang of metal hitting stone told her she had missed her mark.
She glided back down to only have to leap to the left as the Guard with the Frost blade came charging in nicking Thera's ankle. Thera had never felt anything so cold, it was as if she had just entered someplace that was fifty degrees below zero. She knew she would not be making the mistake of letting that blade hit her again. The guard came at her again nearly missing her chest. Thera sucked in her gut and pulled out two daggers, digging them hard into the guard's shoulders. The guard immediately dropped the frost blade and started to drop to the ground but disappeared into a cloud of mist before hitting the ground. The second guard was faster though and Gerlon already had several cuts on his chest and a scratch on his throat. Thera could tell the old Halfling was at his end, but his stubborn pride wouldn't let him go without a fight worth fighting for.
"Go Thera!!" Gerlon yells Thera as he barely dodges another attack at his throat.
"Thank you Gerlon." Thera whispers and tries to hold back her tears as she heads to the high tower and climbs up the stairs she turned around only once just long enough to see Gerlon's head roll to the ground and hear the sound of the guard's sword tear the remainder of his body to pieces
"Thank you my friend." Thera whispers again " I promise that I will bring the head of the high priestess to avenge your death and the bards will sing forever your name.
Thera finishes climbing the stairs where she hears the sound of a twig scrapping across the wall and she watches as her shadow begins to not follow her movement.
At last I got you. Thera thinks to herself throwing her second to last dagger in her shadow. She hears a loud pitched scream that nearly broke her eardrums. Then her shadow returns back to normal.
"Well done Thera I see I chose rightfully. When I chose you for very few have ever dispelled a Shadow Shade." Comes a voice as sweet as the rushing water of the Niagara Falls.
" I see you have the advantage over me. You know who I am but I have no idea who you are." Thera replies.
"Please excuse my rudeness. I'm Lady Arwin Blacknight I'm the most powerful of the Dragon Mages. I am known by many as the High Priestess even though the only creature I have ever truly worshiped is my Dragon, Rosemaryarn." The High priestess replies.
"Then I guess it is you that I must kill for the sake of my guild."
"You are welcome to try, young Thera, but no one has been able to defeat me for such a very long time." Arwin says as she claps her hands and disappears.
Thera slowly walks up to the book and puts her hand on it when suddenly the room starts getting hot and down right unbearably muggy, like the air had died many years ago.
Thera cruses at her stupidity she of all people should have known that it wouldn't have been that easy. She looks around and notices that she is no longer on Darther but in some diminution that she thought she recognized but she wasn't sure. It looked an awfully lot like the ninth level of the hells but there were things like a spiral staircase that seemed to lead further up then down and the heat indicated that it was still in the upper levels of hell.
How in the ten hells am I going to get out of this one Thera thinks to herself.

Thera entered the small classroom of only five tables filled with only one mage at each table.
"Now there are many different types of robes…" Says a tall, handsome, stick figured man wearing maculate red robes. "Ranging from the common white robe to the rarest of all the robes the midnight blue robes."
"But why are the midnight blue robes so rare?" Thera asks curious.
"Because my dear in order to be a midnight blue robed mage you need to have potential in three different types of magic… "Then before Thera could speak he continued "In order to be a midnight blue robed mage you need to have magic from the druids, the clerics, and lastly the war magic of a red robed mage. In the hundred and fifty years that I have served the Elvin Mages I have only seen one mage become a midnight blue mage and he quickly went to the dark arts of the black robes. Now child please sit down!" Thera took a seat next to a flaming silver and red haired boy
"Ragh is one of the oldest teachers here." The boy tells Thera. "By the way my names Firelen Everwood, are you new here?"
"Yah," Thera says shyly. "My name is Thera Bluestone."
"Well nice to meet you, Thera… If you need any help just let me know. I may be new here as well but my brother became a mage here and told me where everything was and what to expect…"
"Now the other rare robe that you will find is the grey robe. Unlike the midnight blue robe mages these mages don't have nearly as much power. In fact some mages consider the life of a gray robed mage to be an insult, because they have very little magic abilities but are capable of using any type of magical weapon." Ragh continued on with his lesson. "Now the definition of a magical weapon is anything made by the other races or even elves that gives it a little extra boost in its fighting abilities, For example take these gauntlets a normal man could not lift them but if a High level Riverside Elvin Mage says Airlinoases then the gauntlets would be as light as a feather and capable of knocking out anyone that it came in contact with."
Ragh looked at Firelen "Would you like to try it?"
Firelen's eyes lit up like fire. "Oh could I! "He gasped
"Of course you can…" Ragh replied as Firelen ran over to the gauntlets and tried them on. Ragh was right they were a little heavy but when Firelen said Airlinoases the gloves got so light that Firelen had to double check to make sure they didn't fall off.
"This is amazing." Firelen said.
Ragh went over to Firelen and removed the gloves breathing heavily as he slammed the gauntlets back on to his desk. "Well I wasn't expecting you to be able to lift those quite yet but it was good that you did." Ragh said still panting.
"What do you mean?" Thera asked
"Those young lady are high level rock gauntlets something that most low level mages can't lift even slightly off the table before the magical words and defiantly can't fully lift them with the magical words."
Firelen gasped in shock, had he been the only low level mage capable of lifting something that could never be lifted by a low level mage before.


Chapter
Raising a Dragon

Thera awaked with a start as a small little dwarf elf, no bigger then her bedside table, came in holding an oval shaped object that was much larger then it. Staggering the little elf walks over then lifts the object onto the nightstand at the other side of room.
Seeing that he awaking Thera, he apologizes, "Gifts form the High Mage." As if that was all he was meant to do the little elf leaves and shuts the door behind him. Leaving Thera with the object.
Pulling a night gown off the edge of her bed, Thera pulls it on then walks over to the object noticing that it had a note written by the High Mage. That reads:
My Dearest Thera,
The Council Of The High Mages have agreed to allow me to give you an egg of the finest, yet most difficult, dragon to train in all of Darther. The gift that my Dwarf elf should have delivered to you with this letter holds inside it a Three Headed Cochabamban White and Red dragon.
A beautiful creature if you ask me. I hope that One day it will hatch and allow you to become its dragon rider. If this happens you need to take the best of care of it for it will be a great reward. In the library is a book called "The Dragon Rider." You will find it in the restricted section but I have all ready given Miss Hedwich permission to allow you to get the book.
With best of Wishes,
Arwin Blacknight
High Mage


Thera couldn't believe her eyes she read the letter over to make sure that she had read it right standing right in front of her was an egg and not just any egg, but one of the rarest eggs. It must have cost the High mage a fortune to get a hold of it.


Thera was very much so stressed as the minutes counted down to when she was to take the test. She looked over her scrolls hoping that she wouldn't miss anything. For she knew that if she missed something it could cost her, her life. This didn't comfort Thera any. She needed to concentrate but her mind was going everywhere. Thera took some slow deep breathes and tried to calm herself. After about fifty slow deep breathes she started to feel relaxed. Now did she have everything that she need for her spell components? Thera checked her bag again to find a raven's claw, several rabbit's feet, and other components in her bag. Good so she had everything. Now all there was to do was wait, wait for an eternity to pass.
Thera looked out her window to see the birds playing in the wind. Oh how she wished that she could be those birds. She could just feel the wind underneath her beautiful long brown wings. The warmth of the sun on her bright white head as she pretended to be the birds. She could see for miles and not have to worry about anything else. That would feel good right now. Thera heard her door open as a large, muscular shaped elf entered the room.
"It's time my lady." He said with a slight bow.
"Thank you that will be all." Thera said and the elf turned and walked away. Well this is it, Thera thought.
She walked down to the grounds outside the tower where she met Arwin.
"I hope that you have remembered everything that I have taught you." Arwin says as she gently puts her hand on Thera's shoulder. "Relax it will be fine."
"Thanks." Thera says "I'm just a little nervous that's all, I'll be fine."
"I was nervous too when I took the test. Just keep a clear mind and everything else will fall into place." Arwin says
The words seemed to comfort Thera for the moment. She knew that she could keep her head clear. It was keeping the words write that she worried about.
"Now in order to pass the test you must go into Drengun Forest and prove by whatever means of magic there that you can defeat whatever lies in there." Arwin told Thera "I will hope to see you back here by the new full moon that gives you twelve days. If you do not return by then, then I will assume that you are dead. I will send one mage to witness what type of magic you use but you shall not hear nor see this mage."
Thera nodded her approval "Then I will see you in twelve days."
"Oh and one more thing, Thera you can't bring your dragon into the forest. You may leave him on the edge of the forest but nothing else." Arwin warned. "Good luck and hope to see you soon."
With that Thera went to the dragons keep where she found Tearadon. "Well old friend this is it. Can you take me to the forest and then return here and wait until I call for you again."
"I would be more then obliged to take you there." Tearadon says as he stretches out his wings and waits as Thera climbs onto his back. "Good luck."
"Thanks I think I'm going to need all the luck I can get." Thera responds and with that they head to the forest.


Thera walked into the great hall where standing there were Arwin and Firelen. Firelen seemed to be muttering something from under his breath but Thera wasn't sure. She turned to the high mage who seemed just as worried as Firelen. "Is there something wrong?" Thera asks.
"There was an attack." Arwin starts to explain.
"But we managed to keep everyone safe right?"
Arwin lowered her voice "Some how they managed to get past the defenses…"
Tears started flowing down Arwin's beautiful face. "They took some of the children."
"But how, the defenses are so well guarded. Didn't anyone see them come in?"
"I don't understand it ether Thera. But they somehow managed to get past without being seen."
"Do you know where they are going?"
Arwin held out a piece of paper that read.
To all you Elvin mages:
We are the secret organizing of mages known as the Rastgerons. If you ever expect to see your children again then send one of your mages and tell them that the high mage has agreed to join our order. Do not send any of your war mages only a white robed mage.
If you send anyone else then we will be forced to kill the children and your mage. We are already aware of the fact that you can't see us so killing you wouldn't be a problem.
Sincerely,
The Rastgerons


Thera looked over the letter again before handing the letter back to Arwin.
"So why did you send for Firelen and I." She asks after a long silence.


Posted on 2008-11-19 at 19:26:34.

Skari-dono
Icelanders! Roll Out
Karma: 102/11
1514 Posts


Creative Criticism?

Alrighty, I only read the first part of the first chapter and the prologue. I admit that I'm not much of a reader and although the story seems promising there are few things that sting my eyes as I read it.

First of all, before you want to try to publish this, you should look out for your spelling, grammar and punctuation. One of the more notable things I'd like to point out is the "little own" frase you've used several times already. I bet you mean "let alone" since the other one just doesn't make any sense to me.

I also got the feeling of a Mary Sue when you were describing your heroine. Beautiful, strong despite her looks and the greatest rogue you'll find anywhere. She doesn't take jobs that anyone else could do but she doesn't mind that a halfling got as far as she did.

Also, that halfling seems the kind that has attitude, but just shrugs when someone throws knives at him. That shoulder wound sounded like a real pain but he is still very calm.

Overall, I think the story has great potential and that you certainly should keep working on it. But I'm not going to tell you that it does not need work, because it certainly does.


Posted on 2008-11-20 at 13:13:48.

   
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