The Red Dragon Inn - home of the Audalis campaign setting.  Online D&D gaming, art, poerty, stories, advice, chat, and more

Support the Inn! If you are doing holiday shopping online, please use this affiliate link for Amazon.
You pay the exact same prices, but the Inn earns a small referral fee. Thanks!

We currently have 3984 registered users. Our newest member is tratxem015.
Online members: t_catt11, SilentOne
Username Password Remember me
Not a member? Join today! | Forgot your password?
Latest Updated Forum Topics  [more...]
Q&A Threads - Hidden Corruption Q&A (posted by breebles)Hidden Corruption Q&A
Personal Creations - When dad jokes meet Star Wars (posted by t_catt11)Dad jokes meet Star Wars
Q&A Threads - Destiny Flight - QnA (posted by Alacrity)Destiny Flight - QnA
Q&A Threads - New Destiny Characters (posted by Alacrity)New Destiny Characters
Q&A Threads - Star Trek: Veiled Chimera Q&A (posted by t_catt11)ST: Chimera Q&A
Latest Blog Entries
Revenge of the Drunken Dice
Latest Webcomics
Loaded Dice #80: Priorities
RPG MB #15: Master of the Blade
Floyd Hobart #19: High School Reunion IV
There are currently 0 users logged into DragonChat.
Is the site menu broken for you? Click here for the fix!

You are here: Home --> Forum Home --> Creativity Forum --> Personal Creations --> Untitled
Jump to:    1   
    Messages in Untitled
RDI T-shirts!

With Chaotic Everywhere
Price: $16.00

RDI T-shirts!

Got Dice? Tee
Price: $17.00

RDI Staff
Karma: 177/13
3127 Posts


Well I don't have a title, I'm always bad at coming up with those myself.

I have all these stories started on my computer that I just have saved under the main character's name because that's all I can think of.

But... back to your story.

I liked it. I think the shifting between past and present works pretty well... at the end with the wizard it got a little confusing, since she was fighting a sorceror/wizard and I was confused at first as to whom she was talking to. Maybe giving the 'good wizard' a name and a bit more information (how she knew him, where he came from etc) might clear that up.

And just a personal thing... I'd love more info on the protaganist. Currently he seems a little flat... kind of your generic 2D bad guy that appears in every story. I like bad guys with a little more to them personally. We know why Raina is doing what she is doing, but why is the sorc?

Well there is my two cents... As a bit of D&D type lore it is great (and if that was the goal then disregard my opinion on your protaganist, that kind of lore doesn't need deep bad guys... just awesome heroes (or heroines as the case may be))!

Thanks for sharing!

Looking forward to seeing more from you!


Posted on 2010-11-16 at 17:12:31.

Cheshire Cad
Karma: 100/3
1142 Posts

thanks for posting

i've gotten that from a few directions... people also want more on Talanthir (got a request to Raise him in a sequel)... I can only answer that i was trying to leave some things to the reader's imagination, and that i was trying to keep it a short story ha ha... but if enough people ask, i might do another.... maybe one on Talanthir, and another on Dratarcan.. it might be an interesting story...

also, i wanted to leave the wizard a minor character, but i see what you mean about that getting confusing, especially in the middle of the fight... i'll try to find away to flesh him out enough to make him stand on his own... maybe a better description of the process of the arrow, without revealing the arrow itself.... suggestions welcome!

Posted on 2010-11-17 at 12:52:09.
Edited on 2010-11-17 at 12:55:53 by Chessicfayth

Eol Fefalas
Turning Capashanese
RDI Staff
Karma: 447/28
7241 Posts


...that's how short stories become epic adventures.

I gave you my feedback via PM, of course, but wanted to throw out some sparkly "public support," anyway. Keep it up, Chessic. Looking forward to seeing more of your work.

Posted on 2010-11-17 at 14:04:54.

Cheshire Cad
Karma: 100/3
1142 Posts


aside from the shameless bump, I have fixed the typos, and added some small things to differentiate between the wizard and the sorceror... look for background on both in my next story!

Posted on 2010-11-22 at 15:28:03.

Cheshire Cad
Karma: 100/3
1142 Posts

on the off hand chance....

anybody reads this chain again, my apologies for the long delay.. my muse seems to have left me... i have my next story half-done, and it is stubbornly refusing to progress... cross your fingers i find my inspiration again soon

Posted on 2010-12-29 at 07:20:16.

5 Headed Dracohydra
Karma: 80/23
1117 Posts

Broken Heart, Broken Arrow

Just my proposed title to your story.

Loved it by the way. I wouldn't say confusing was the right word for me in differentiating between the good and bad mages during the fight but more jumpy. It kinda shook me from my grip and immersion in the story as I gained the realization of which mage was speaking at the time.

Awesome work, I'll be on the look out for any continuations or additions to your story.

Posted on 2010-12-30 at 00:47:31.

Cheshire Cad
Karma: 100/3
1142 Posts

Bippity Boppity


Posted on 2011-08-10 at 00:44:32.

postima prolifica
Karma: 74/7
691 Posts


My only complaint was that it ended without my curiosity being sated. I need more!

Posted on 2012-03-29 at 05:02:23.

Jump to:    1   

  Partners:       Dungeons and Dragons resources, from 2nd to 4th Edition | for the gamer who's sick of the typical Dungeons and Dragons Adventures, #1 resource for D&D Dungeons and Dragons 4th Edition  
View/Edit Your Profile | Staff List | Contact Us
Use of the RDINN forums or chatrooms constitutes agreement with our Terms of Service.
You must enable cookies and javascript to use all features of this site.