You have picked the place clean
Of everything we had
Packed away the memories,
That brought us together.
You have picked the worst day,
In showing yo're glad.
You packed away the thoughts,
That have become, light as a feather.
You have picked the ideas,
To reveal to your comrade.
To Pack away for a brighter tomorrow
On our days of sunny weather.
You have picked up after me,
Like a wonderful lad.
You packed the mess away,
Thank You Very Much Sir.
(Let me know yours thoughts)
Posted on 2011-01-25 at 14:11:44.
Eol Fefalas Keeper of the Kazari RDI Staff Karma: 454/28 7878 Posts
...the first thing I did after I read this was read it again. It took that second reading to get the "flow" of the verses, I think... Once I got that down and made sense of what I was actually reading, I thought; "Man, this girl has got to find a better class of guy..." and, at the same time, I thought; "But if she found a better class of guy where ever would she come up with these nifty little poems?"
Oh what a conundrum!!!!
Good stuff, flirty... Kind of a "spoken word" vibe to this one... I'm diggin' it.
its a challenge I had from a coworker...I asked him to pick a topic and then I wrote a poem on that topic for the following day...in fact I had it sent to him within the hour, though he had already left for the day.
I like the rhythm to it, it's very off-putting, especially at the end. I also see two ways of interpreting depending on how it's read. One has a very angry boyfriend feel but the other is more nostalgic.
I suppose it would depend on how it's read aloud. Isn't that how poetry is supposed to be done anyway?
Overall good stuff. I don't like poems that have traditional rhyme patters, they always sound kiddy. This one didn't though.
Alright Pit, you want more, you should check out my previous work...also found in this section though way back when...I have a bunch of things posted here...I will try to write new ones though as well (on slow days at work)
Admiral: Thank you very much I decided to stick with a pattern with this one, first one I have done like that in a VERY long time, as you have seen in most of my work, I would rather just let it free flow.
I like the essance and the flow of the poem but to me it sounds like your mad at someone or something.
However it's not bad, not bad at all and this is from one who is not a big poem person. Good job Flirt