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You are here: Home --> Forum Home --> Creativity Forum --> Personal Creations --> An odd poem...
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    Messages in An odd poem...
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cdnflirt
Angel Reincarnated
Karma: 86/22
1142 Posts


An odd poem...

To Pick & Pack:

You have picked the place clean
Of everything we had
Packed away the memories,
That brought us together.

You have picked the worst day,
In showing yo're glad.
You packed away the thoughts,
That have become, light as a feather.

You have picked the ideas,
To reveal to your comrade.
To Pack away for a brighter tomorrow
On our days of sunny weather.

You have picked up after me,
Like a wonderful lad.
You packed the mess away,
Thank You Very Much Sir.




(Let me know yours thoughts)


Posted on 2011-01-25 at 14:11:44.

Eol Fefalas
Keeper of the Kazari
RDI Staff
Karma: 454/28
7878 Posts


Interestingly quirky....

...the first thing I did after I read this was read it again. It took that second reading to get the "flow" of the verses, I think... Once I got that down and made sense of what I was actually reading, I thought; "Man, this girl has got to find a better class of guy..." and, at the same time, I thought; "But if she found a better class of guy where ever would she come up with these nifty little poems?"

Oh what a conundrum!!!!

Good stuff, flirty... Kind of a "spoken word" vibe to this one... I'm diggin' it.


Posted on 2011-01-25 at 18:15:08.

cdnflirt
Angel Reincarnated
Karma: 86/22
1142 Posts


lol interesting

The poem wasn't at all about a boyfriend or anything...I was challenged to write about the subject PICK AND PACK. This is what I came up with.


Posted on 2011-01-25 at 18:23:41.

Eol Fefalas
Keeper of the Kazari
RDI Staff
Karma: 454/28
7878 Posts


*nods*

That's what I find so interesting about it, I guess...

Read one way, you kind of get the feeling that it is about a boyfriend (or whatever)... then, if you read it another way, not so much.

Definitely "thought provoking" either way...


Posted on 2011-01-25 at 18:47:22.

cdnflirt
Angel Reincarnated
Karma: 86/22
1142 Posts


lmao....

Seriously?!?!?!? Why do you say that?!?!? I left out the black leather skirt part....


Posted on 2011-01-25 at 18:56:36.

Celeste
Hippy-snapper!
Karma: 138/3
1049 Posts


Silverstein-esque

I agree, this is very thought provoking. Depending on how you look at it, it can mean a variety of different things. I love work that does that! No definate direction; let the reader decide.

It also has a Shel Silverstein like quality to the pace of the poem. His stuff always can be set to music or a certain beat, and your poem certainly fits that bill.

Is this for a literature class or just a personal challenge from one person to another?


Posted on 2011-01-27 at 00:52:29.

cdnflirt
Angel Reincarnated
Karma: 86/22
1142 Posts


thanks....

its a challenge I had from a coworker...I asked him to pick a topic and then I wrote a poem on that topic for the following day...in fact I had it sent to him within the hour, though he had already left for the day.


Posted on 2011-01-27 at 00:57:59.

Pit F(r)iend
Welcome Waggin'
Karma: 115/3
1245 Posts


Indeed

I think the Silverstein reference is spot-on. Somehow, I feel another stanza before the final one would make it flow better. Great potential, make more!


Posted on 2011-01-27 at 03:10:39.

Admiral
I'm doing SCIENCE!
RDI Staff
Karma: 163/50
1835 Posts


yea

I like the rhythm to it, it's very off-putting, especially at the end. I also see two ways of interpreting depending on how it's read. One has a very angry boyfriend feel but the other is more nostalgic.

I suppose it would depend on how it's read aloud. Isn't that how poetry is supposed to be done anyway?

Overall good stuff. I don't like poems that have traditional rhyme patters, they always sound kiddy. This one didn't though.


Posted on 2011-01-27 at 03:10:47.

cdnflirt
Angel Reincarnated
Karma: 86/22
1142 Posts


answers :)

Alright Pit, you want more, you should check out my previous work...also found in this section though way back when...I have a bunch of things posted here...I will try to write new ones though as well (on slow days at work)

Admiral: Thank you very much I decided to stick with a pattern with this one, first one I have done like that in a VERY long time, as you have seen in most of my work, I would rather just let it free flow.


Posted on 2011-01-27 at 03:27:17.

TannTalas
Trilogy Master
RDI Staff
Karma: 175/117
6387 Posts


Ok my 2 cents

I like the essance and the flow of the poem but to me it sounds like your mad at someone or something.
However it's not bad, not bad at all and this is from one who is not a big poem person. Good job Flirt


Posted on 2011-01-28 at 05:57:38.

   
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