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You are here: Home --> Forum Home --> Creativity Forum --> Personal Creations --> Thoughts?
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    Messages in Thoughts?
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Padre J Roulston
Resident
Karma: 16/1
428 Posts


Thoughts?

writing this up for a little something and was hoping to get a few opinions on it.

***************************************

Hawyn sets down his pack. Standing up knuckling his back, stretching. Kneeling down beside his pack he reverently pulls out a beautifully preserved and finished hardwood case. He sets the case down on a nearby stone. Despite the uneven surface the case sits perfectly level. The top of the case is perfectly smooth other than a single indented circle about the size of a coin.

He removes from his pack a flask of Holy water, and Aspergillum, pouring the holy water into the implement. Offering prayers to God, Hawyn begins to spin the Aspergillum over his head spraying the holy water over the area. When the implement runs dry he returns it to his pack.

Continuing to offer prayers to God, he opens a drawer on the case. Removing from it a small stone coin. He places the coin into the indentation on the top of the case. As soon as the coin falls into place; a shockwave of blue light bursts forth from the stone. All the lose stones, sticks and twigs, and all manner of vermin are pushed and driven out of the area. The light continues to pulse in 2 second intervals. While this happens Hawyn removes an altar cloth and candles, finalizing the furnishing of the altar. When the final candle is lit a final pulse of light emits from the altar, settling over and into the land.

When all is completed there is a feel of holiness about the area. The grass is a little greener, and the air a little sweeter. There is a ring of twigs, and pebbles surrounding and outlining the area. The case turned altar now emanating a soft benevolent power.


Posted on 2014-03-18 at 02:37:21.

Skari-dono
Icelanders! Roll Out
Karma: 102/11
1514 Posts


well...

It depends on what it's for. To me, it sounds a tad bit dry, like you are explaining in detail how something is done rather than telling the story.

Some of it is too detailed to make an impact, like "2 second intervals".

Your use of aspergillum is all good and stuff, but I had to look up the word to know what it means.

The second sentence is also somehow off. I don't know how, but I get this kind of wrong vibe from it.

But like I said, it depends on what you intend to use it for. If it is a part of a longer story, I would consider revising it. If you intend for this to be a detailed account of how to bless an area, I would consider this a reasonable success.


Posted on 2014-03-18 at 08:30:19.

Padre J Roulston
Resident
Karma: 16/1
428 Posts


:)

Thank you for your reply.

Yes it is meant to be as part of a larger piece. Not knowing the aspergillum really doesn't surprise me... It is a rarely used piece of religious paraphernalia, and many people even in the religious community don't know what it is

I will try a revision


Posted on 2014-03-18 at 13:01:53.

Padre J Roulston
Resident
Karma: 16/1
428 Posts


Revision

Finishing a long day hiking with the sun low in the sky the group stops to make camp. Hawyn sets down his pack with a sigh; standing up knuckling his back and stretching. Kneeling down beside his pack he reverently pulls out a beautifully preserved and finished hardwood case. He sets the case down on a nearby stone. Despite the uneven surface the case sits perfectly level. The top of the case is perfectly smooth other than a single indented circle about the size of a coin.

He removes from his pack a flask of Holy water, and Aspergillum, pouring the holy water into the implement. Knowing what is coming next the others step out of the way. Offering prayers to God, Hawyn begins to spin the Aspergillum over his head spraying the holy water over the area. When the implement runs dry he returns it to his pack.

Continuing to offer prayers to God, he opens a drawer on the case. Removing from it a small stone coin. He places the coin into the indentation on the top of the case. As soon as the coin falls into place; a shockwave of blue light bursts forth from the stone. All the lose stones, sticks and twigs, and all manner of vermin are pushed and driven out of the area. The light continues to pulse from the stone while Hawyn removes an altar cloth and candles, finalizing the furnishing of the altar. When the final candle is lit a final pulse of light emits from the altar, settling over and into the land.

When all is completed there is a feel of holiness about the area. The grass is a little greener, and the air a little sweeter. There is a ring of twigs, and pebbles surrounding and outlining the area. The case turned altar now emanating a soft benevolent power. The others return to the area and finish setting up camp.


Posted on 2014-03-18 at 13:55:20.
Edited on 2014-03-18 at 14:27:19 by Padre J Roulston

Skari-dono
Icelanders! Roll Out
Karma: 102/11
1514 Posts


Much better

This is much better

One thing though, easily correctable: The first line sentence is in the past tense while the rest is in the present tense.


Posted on 2014-03-18 at 14:00:50.

Padre J Roulston
Resident
Karma: 16/1
428 Posts


:)

Thank you


Posted on 2014-03-18 at 14:26:39.

   
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