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You are here: Home --> Forum Home --> Creativity Forum --> Personal Creations --> Legend of Twelve- book one
Parent thread: Legend of Twelve- Shadowed Time
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    Messages in Legend of Twelve- book one
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SilentOne
RDI Poet - 1.5 Innma
Karma: 37/5
732 Posts


Shadowed Time

So, I've been hit with a rough patch with my writing as people have read this same piece as I'm about to allow you all to read. They have commented that it was in poor taste, it was done before etc. I'd like to see what all of my fellow Innmate's have to think about it and please, be honest with me so I can grow as a writer. Enjoy - Silent

Prologue:

The Pact

 

It began one night, when the Elders of the City came to us, war had sprouted within the hearts of man. Six of us were called, each by name. The first to answer their insistent whining was wise Time.  Sweet Air was soon to follow, innocence radiating from her. Tricky water, leaving worry in his wake came after. Withstanding Earth, strength seeming to explode from him also answered the call. Angry fire came, hatred seeming to pour from him waves. Then there was me. It was my turn to decide if I would answer their plead for help. I left solitude in my wake as I followed my siblings. They told us their plight, asking if we’d help them end the fighting. We decided that we would indeed help but not for nothing in return. The humans, filled with fear of war, agreed without pause. We were to go to five families and only five would hold our power. Twelve would carry the burden. Talking and bickering followed soon. The Elders unsure of which families would be worthy enough for our gift, we took it out of their hands and called upon the Synklar’s, Lovethistles, Bloodwaves, Iceweave and Shadowstep families. The Pact would then state that twelve children would be chosen. Twelve from what the City would come to call the Great Five. Then; things began to change. Corruption grew within the children’s hearts. Little by little we saw it in all. Time was first to help the seed of corruption grow. Deceased walked again, the old regained their youth and young were taken too soon. Time grew tired of being used for selfish reasons. He began calling us back, telling us what we already saw; Mans dark desires. It was then agreed, we had to revise the Pact. The Elders were outraged when Time reclaimed the lives that had already fell to him. Returning the youth to their innocence and life filling their eyes. They began to fight  against us. Demanding us to leave things alone - we left it for Time to tell. To use our power, a price must be paid. They yelled, demanding reasoning for this newly added fee. I froze them all in fear, my calm soothing voice, barely a whisper. I sank into their minds, reminding them that we could leave them alone; in need of help; to die. They quickly agreed to the new terms. But we were smart, we did not specify the prices and so, history repeated. Corruption returned. Dead were attempted to rise by turning the hands of Time back, instead the hosts themselves fell to join them in eternal sleep. Two were now gone leaving ten remaining. We had hope that these two would show the others what would happen but it did nothing to stop them from falling to the same corruption. Two by two they fell. Those with the aid of Water, were found gasping and coughing up water; their lungs could hold no more air and they fell lifelessly. Those with the power of Air, fell unable to breathe, their chest contracting with powerful spasms of pressure. The ones who held Earth in their palms suddenly found themselves surrounded by muck and clay that was once solid ground, causing them to sink their depths; muffing their screams. I, darkness, drove them mad, grasping for light as I seeped deep within their souls with no way out. Flame however, was even worse than I in dealing their hand of fate. Their screams were heard throughout the City. Their agony heard as the smell of their own flesh burned away from their bones. Soon the Elders realized that the prices were also a warning to the families. A promise that if they fell to corruption again, we would keep no one safe. We would claim them all, one by one. Another twelve were born and once again we came.

This group however, were smarter, stronger; increasing the limits we set. They thought they bested us, had won over us. The corruption had never left, just faded but we knew; it would return. Each new generation never learning from the last. Never learning to use the power we entrusted them the way we had intended. Defend and protect their loved ones, no focus on the past. It wasn’t until the current City Elders came to power that they figured it out. Time and the rest of us never wanted our hosts to die but to live longer than most to defend what they held most dear. But even these Elders, these people; fell to corruption. Protect and defend was what the chosen twelve did  but they soon lost their innocence, their childhood; their freedom. It would go on for years, they would promise they had changed, that they were different. Each time we gave in and gave our powers to the new twelve. Only I was beginning to feel as though my concerns of the humans fell upon deaf ears. I knew the humans’ deepest desires. I knew that even these new holders would fall to the corruption sooner rather than later. I and Air, my sweet sister Air, were beginning to doubt the Pact. We wanted out but couldn’t leave. The City not only taken the freedom of the twelve but they also stole our freedom. Oh, how we wished to be free of the dark wishes of the seemingly innocent child minds. Power in the hands of children; what a joke, a grand mistake we had all made. The pact needed changing, something needed to be added to stop the jealousy that the children soon would succumb to after we arrived. For thousands of years the Pact change.

 

It was in those years that Time had seen what Air and I had seen centuries before. Thousands of children fell before their lives truly began because they couldn’t control their darkest emotions. We kept changing the Pact; yet we still saw children dying all around us. The prices were held but that didn’t stop the children from trying to surpass them. Had we made a mistake in giving our powers to children? Air thought we made a mistake but again she was ignored by Time. So, another thousand years passed the same way until finally Time broke. It was he who made the decision to change the Pact one final time. If the children failed this time, we could no longer help them with their problems. The City agreed; they had lost so many lives that their pride had fled. IT was their last change to prove they had truly changed. The prices were changed a final time, a limit was placed upon the hosts. A series of years to pass before they would fully have the power. Air and I hoped that these new twelve would heed our warnings.

 

And thus, we granted one more generation the power and we found that they had lived up to their promises. They protected those in need and they defended all they held dear. It was then we figured a way to separate defenders from protectors. The pain would be brief and would come twice. This time we went to our hosts instead of the Elders because it would not be them enduring this pain. The children agreed to endure the process twice; we warned them that though brief as it would be, the pain would be great. Yet one stood out from the rest. She thanked us for asking them through they were slaves; they still liked to have the illusion that they remained free of will. She hugged each one of us in a friendly embrace and vowed to us that the Lovethistle family would uphold the Pact. Touched by the child’s gesture we made a silent vow to only bring the gentlest element to the woman’s family.

 

In that generation, they had done what we had hoped since this all began. Now peace had been brought to the City;  it was time the grown twelve to gather and bid us farewell. Again, the Lovethistle woman embraced us all and asked for one favor. A request of the one that helped her for so long; if battle ever broke out that we would return to the Great Five. Enraged by the request Fire was about to attack when the woman shed tears ensuring that while the prices would remained we - her friends- would never be slaves. We could come and go; she had only wanted peace of mind that if war came calling again, that her family and the City would be safe. It wouldn’t be a pact but a favor, a request we could ignore if war ever returned. As we had come to them, she had come to us; those who had helped her protect those she loved.

 

It wasn’t until this current twelve came into the world that whispers of a war long forgotten stirred. Slaves to the City these children were bound to protect it. We had one choice and that choice was clear. We had to return to the families; we had to rise again.



Posted on 2018-08-01 at 21:25:08.
Edited on 2018-08-01 at 21:28:33 by SilentOne

Eol Fefalas
Turning Capashanese
RDI Staff
Karma: 447/28
7281 Posts


Nice!

To me, it reads more like a prologue to a much larger tale rather than as a story unto itself. It's like one of the characters is setting things up for the reader to dive into a more complex and detailed story by "painting the world in broad strokes" before letting them immerse themselves in the tale that's to come and discover/explore the intricacies using this, perhaps, as a map of some kind to direct them through the narrative.

As to the "been done before" commentary you've received - Yeah, elemantal powers and such certainly have been done before. In fact, they're pretty common themes in a LOT of sci-fi and fantasy fiction, particularly notable in Japanese manga/anime and Chinese story telling, whether it be written, cinematic, or otherwise (also, in lots of myth and legend from all parts of the world). So, yeah, it might have been done before and, just as likely, it will be done again. The key, there, is to put your own spin on it and make it your own in order to make it stand out from everyone else who has taken a run at those particualr tropes.

"In poor taste?" - Hmmm... not really seeing that, myself. Perhaps you chose the wrong audience to read it when those comments were made? It's certainly dark and, likely, not everyone's cup of tea, but I don't see it as being in poor taste, at all. It's not like someones going around kicking puppies or eating babies or anything, right?

All in all, little sister, it's a really good start! Take what you've got here and expand on it. Give your characters and organizations more depth and detail, weave in some "personal trials and tribulations" and explore how they mesh into or affect the greater tale, etc. Like I said, you've got a good start, don't let negative commentary/criticism stop you. 



Posted on 2018-08-02 at 08:31:00.

SilentOne
RDI Poet - 1.5 Innma
Karma: 37/5
732 Posts


..

Like i told you on FB Eol - This is the prologue to the first book of Legend of Twelve. All in all, it's a 7 book series roughly (I've got the outlines for each book and the plot for each done aswell) everything is flushed out for character growth and sub plotlines. If you want to read more  I believe I emailed you the finished first chapter.



Posted on 2018-08-02 at 19:18:23.

   
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